onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize