I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
