Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
