It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
