Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
