Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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