thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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