I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
