I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
