Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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