after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
