I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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