Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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