Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
