God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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