I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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