You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
