Cold hands, warm shart.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
