i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
