God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize