I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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