he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
