i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
