I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
