WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
