I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This baby is an asshole
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
