We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
