my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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