So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
