i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Found the puke drawer
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize