someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
