Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
