Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize