He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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