Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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