i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
