And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
