The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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