i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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