I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
