Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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