party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
