they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
