MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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