I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
