I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
