Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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