you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
