God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Me. At least after what I've been through.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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