I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
