Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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