so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He shit in the fireplace
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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