I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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