So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
