Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
