Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
