It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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