I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
