I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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