When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
