Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
